This commercial was meant to air during Super Bowl LV, but was ultimately scrapped at the last minute in favor of something a bit less relevant. Like people jumping onto a couch from behind or opening their front doors for a new dog, new car, or new can of bean dip. This one hit home too much though. It struck too many chords. Somehow, the script landed in my lap. Here it is, as it was meant to be.
FADE IN:
Open on a man standing at an empty intersection just before sunrise. He gazes into the distance with a lone tear (or is it some of that good ol’ fashioned mountain dew?) falling down his cheek. Either way, he’s feeling rather mournful on this early morning. He turns straight to the camera, breaking the fourth wall by wiping some of the moisture off the lens with a frayed handkerchief.
Man: That’s better. Much better.
Smiling, he wipes his face with the very same rag.
Man: Have you ever thought about what makes us human?
He bends down to tie his shoe.
Man: Is it our humanity? No. It’s our stupidity.
Having come undone again, he bends down to retie his shoe. Still bending, he continues talking.
Man: Accidentally leaving a burner on and torching your entire mid-century kitchen. I mean, who hasn’t done that?
He stands back up.
Man: Passing a stranger and saying “how are you?,” but walking way too fast to hear their response. All this when a simple “hello” would do fine.
He starts walking down the street, towards the horizon.
Man: Ever eat a banana peel out of sheer curiosity?
He looks back into the camera.
Man: Good, me too. Sure, there are a handful of smart people floating around. But they too have their moments of idiocy. Even Albert Einstein rode a bicycle without a helmet.
He almost gets hit by a car racing through the intersection, barely making it back onto the sidewalk.
Man: That was a close one. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Also - was that a Jeep?
He walks back into the street.
Man: We must keep going, looking to a brighter future up ahead.
He points to the rising sun.
Man: That’s called a metaphor. So there it is, folks – a new bright future appearing each and every day. Except when it’s cloudy. But we would’ve reshot this commercial had today been anything short of perfect.
He stares at the sun.
Man: 93 million miles away, yet it’s almost like you can reach out and touch it – not that you’d want to.
He laughs to himself.
Man: Hot enough to burn your kitchen and then some, huh?
He turns to face the sun, now a huge ball in the sky, going as far as to dust off a pair of vintage binoculars for a closer look. When that’s not good enough a PA moves a high-powered telescope into frame via dolly.
Man: Thanks, Dave. I’m looking into my future now. What do you see?
He looks into the telescope.
Man: Ow, ow, ouch, that really hurts.
He rubs his eyes, temporarily blinded by the sun.
Man: I still can’t see anything. Jesus. I hope you guys got good insurance.
A guy in a tuxedo walks next to him.
Guy: Here.
The guy hands him a visor.
Man: Where were you when I needed you?
Guy: Waiting for my cue. Stick to the script, okay?
Man: And how does this help?
He's holding the visor, confused.
Guy: Look, stupid. You should look stupid.
The man, weirdly now wearing a huge cowboy hat (probably a continuity error missed by a careless script supervisor) takes it off and replaces it with the ugly visor.
Man: To whom do I owe my thanks?
Guy: Me and everyone else down at John Visor, LLC.
Man: I look pretty stupid.
Guy: You are pretty stupid.
Man: Aren’t we all.
There's a sudden sign from above. A pigeon lands on the man's shoulder (or is it a white dove?). The two men grin and know it's time to go.
FADE OUT.
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