So Czar, So Good

  

From what I can tell, we’re living in a representative democracy – a republic, as it were. Not that you can tell from listening to the kvetching critters, singing high above along utility poles and roomy gutters. Pundits, the name bestowed on uncritical thinkers wishing to improve on our rusty model, argue otherwise. They believe that government can get better. If said improvement doesn’t involve potholes or parking ticket amnesty, I lose interest almost immediately. So thank our good and merciful lord (Bill Gates) for these serial pontificators. 

While they decry how things never seem to run smoothly, the vast majority of their policy proposals involve a single word – and it’s not even an English one. Because what the world needs now are Czars sweet Czars. I rub my eyes every time I come across the word. After years of linguistic abuse at the hands of Will Shortz and his symmetrical band of word warriors, I still write, “Tsar.” The British Royal Family is one thing, but what power do they really have? Czars had it all - at least until they didn't. 

Drug Czar, a Food Czar, a Reality Czar, a Parking Czar, a Kitchen Czar, a Ninja Czar – there is not an element of daily life that wouldn’t serve well from the addition of an absolute monarch. Why should congress worry about its approval rating when all along the answer to our problems lay in a basement in Yekaterinburg. Unlike 19^th century Russia, our American Czars have a narrow scope of control. The Dish Czar would not be able to interfere with the Cutlery Czar. The same goes for the Paint Czar and the Wallpaper Czar, seemingly at odds, but only out to do what’s best for the country with national mandates regarding interior decorating. All knowing, all seeing and all over.

There’s nothing so imaginative in modern political life as believing a single individual can remake things for the better. The Greek Gods are a fine example of an ideal bureaucracy. Did Zeus have the most power? Yeah, sure he did. But he allowed other, lesser Gods to run things day-to-day. Why would he bother himself with the pitfalls of footwear when the God of Sandals understood much better what was happening on the ground. Or the minutia of grape cultivation when other, earthier deities aren't afraid to get their hands dirty. 

A chicken in every pot and a Czar in every garage. Now that’s an American Dream everyone should wholeheartedly embrace.