Enter the Fetaverse

When I first came across the word, “fetaverse,” I figured it was a new poetic meter, finally appearing on the scene to revolutionize rhyming. Since cheese is often stuffed into unexpected places by artful individuals, I foresaw a future with fromage filling, among other things, The First Folio. But the closer I got to the word on the paper thin cracker, the more it began to smell – cheese has that effect on people, as well as their nostrils.

So I couldn’t help but sneeze. But that didn't stop me from powering through this sensorial feast.

The fetaverse extends well past the staid boundaries of the English Sonnet into the wide-open cyber frontier. I’m sure you’ve indulged in one or two Greek salads in your day, a late-night treat at an outer borough diner under a flickering neon sign installed years before epilepsy was understood. The sight of the bowl brings to mind the word “meniscus,” a term only used during knee surgery and 8^th grade chemistry. But on this evening, your salad has one, topped off with a healthy offering of liberally crumbled feta cheese. Great in theory, I suppose. 

However, diners in 2021 demand more from their salads. They want a totally immersive dining experience, where they are one with each ingredient. Croutons the size of boulders, leafy greens as blanketing as expensive shawls, and anchovies that attract jungle cats. To really get into the fetaverse you need to really get into the fetaverse.

That means obtaining a snorkel from your waiter and entering a large vat of feta cheese. To get immersive, you have to be submersible. Now, budget concerns have made these vats closer to the size of bidets than bathtubs, but that’s only because the fetaverse is still a work in progress. Gone are the days when tastebuds were the chief concern of seasoned chefs (a seasoned chef shouldn’t be confused with a seasoned chef, one covered in Old Bay, a few rosemary sprigs, salt and lots of pepper, prepared for a group of starving desert islanders after a fortuitous straw drawing). In the fetaverse, toes matter, too.

Not to mention that the lactose intolerant are tolerated in the fetaverse, since feta is a sheep or goat’s cheese. So take your shoes off and step right into a new world of cheese – the fetaverse. It’s basically Wisconsin with a stronger Internet connection.