The Pablum Podcast Hour

Musical intro begins...

Announcer: OFF-LY, makers of subpar products for mediocre living, presents, “The Pablum Podcast Hour.” OFF-LY lowers the bar in home appliances. No one’s a fan of our fans. Our knives barely make the cut. And our furniture won’t last a weekend. Things you don’t need, for prices you can’t believe, let alone afford. The first live-in Frost-O freezer demystifies the Ice Age. A robot stove that’s done the moment you install it.  Yes, everything you hate all in one place, from OFF-LY.

Squid: This is the Pablum Podcast Hour, and here I am again, your host for this morning, Squid Geezer for more antitainment. As every piece of geriatric calamari knows, some nets are more comfortable than others. And don’t get me started on hooks. But that’s not what today's show is about. Imagine Loco stars with Snarl Whiner as the married couple you love to love, The Agreersons.

The Agreersons stand in a boring suburban kitchen.

Imagine: Honey, where did you put the Baking Soda?

Snarl: In the cabinet, dear, above the OFF-LY stove.

Imagine: I can’t find it.

Snarl: Let me look. 

Imagine: I’m waiting…

Snarl: Here it is. 

Imagine: Darling?

Snarl: Yes, sweetie?

Imagine: Thank you for your help.

Snarl: No, thank you.

Imagine: You’re the greatest.

Snarl: You’re the best.

Both: Oh, I agree.

Loud applause and laughter. Audience chants in unison, "I agree" over and over. Music outro begins.     

 

Jingle:  Let others fight over who is right so we can be free to always agree...  

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, the star of The Pablum Podcast Hour, your schmo of schmoes, Squid Geezer. 

Squid: Thank you, thank you. Part of the American Dream is wide open spaces, watching two steers make love under the setting sun. The other part is about clearly defined boundaries like walls and partitions. Coward Morris stars in Oh, Fence, about a man coming to terms with his limitations. 

Coward sits on a rocking chair overlooking a prairie landscape from the comfort of his rickety porch.

Coward: Hey, crow friend, don’t go there. That’s my fence. You’re getting too close, little chickadee. You too, squirrel pal, back off. Oh, my dear armadillo, would you scram please? 

Loud buzzing sound effects. The fence is electric and the animals are gone. Coward looks at the camera with his trademark^™ smirk, grinning at the animal carnage, which happens to end every episode. 

Coward: Oh…fence.

Jingle: You stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine, come too close and you’ll end up fried...

Announcer: OFF-LY is a proud sponsor of the Pablum Podcast Hour, makers of the macrowave. It’s like a microwave, but much bigger and more expensive. Here’s Imagine Loco with the last sketch of the morning.

Imagine: Thanks so much. Plenty of people see the world in black and white, but not Squid Geezer who sees everything in gray and beige. I present to you, Bland, Ho!

Squid stares at a wall with wet paint. Imagine walks onto the stage.  

Squid: Dry already. Would you just dry already?  

Imagine: It’s just the first coat. These things take time.

Squid: Now I remember why I preferred brick.

Imagine: Unless it’s distressed.

Squid: Now I’m distressed. 

Imagine:  That makes two of us.

Laughter, applause, retching. 

Squid: G’night everybody. Remember. If it’s Friday morning and there’s nothing else on, it’s plainly dumb, habitually humdrum, and something to succumb…to. It’s Pablum!

Announcer: See you next week for another insipid display of nonsense and forgettable banalities with the same lackluster cast of characters.