Risk Management

I am not getting the vaccine, okay? We just don’t know enough about what it doesn’t do. It’s like I’m always telling people waiting in line for the ATM while unmasked and standing much too close to them: we know what happens when a parachute doesn’t open during a skydiving sesh. That I can handle, that I can live with. Maybe not live with, but I can at least accept it. However, just to show you that I’m not totally averse to risk, here’s what I am willing to do on a nearly daily basis. 

I don’t proofread anything. The way I see it, if God didn’t want us to make misteaks he’d correct them himself. 

I perform karaoke songs that I don’t know too well. I try to anticipate the lyrics as they appear on screen, which usually ends in abject humiliation. 

I never send thank you notes. If someone can’t understand my gratitude by vibe and vibe alone, it’s not a relationship worth keeping.

I kiss new acquaintances with an open mouth. Handshakes simply aren’t intimate or memorable enough. 

I brush once a day. Sometimes, I don’t even do that, instead relying on a stale pack of Bubbilicious in my jacket pocket to coat my mouth with an unexpectedly fruity aroma.

I rarely tip 20%. Sometimes, this leads to a physical altercation with members of the waitstaff.

I eat things way past the expiration date. I give the item in question one good healthy sniff and hope for the best.

I can’t be bothered to recycle. Does it still count as composting if I just throw everything in a huge leaf pile behind my house? 

I drink hot coffee. Sometimes, I do it while driving whether or not the cup fits snugly and securely into the vehicle’s center console. 

I jaywalk. Sometimes, I do it while wearing headphones and listening to the latest Glenn Beck audiobook. 

I use pharmaceutical sleep aids. Sometimes, if those don’t work, I polish off a bottle of shoe polish.

I inhale. Sometimes, I do it while in between polishing, huffing  the puffs of a toxic brew.

I hitchhike. Sometimes, after the local powers-that-be impound my vehicle, as trusting strangers becomes a commuter’s necessity. 

I motorcycle. Sometimes, I do it without wearing a helmet if my hair is looking particularly good that day. 

I get tattoos. While I have no fear of needles and no problem with questionable hygiene, inking up is still one of the cleanest parts of my day.   

I attend poorly ventilated indoor concerts for tribute bands. If you get a chance to see the Marshall Schmucker Band live, you won’t regret it. 

I went to this big thing in DC on January 6^th. It was oodles of fun and the weather really cooperated.  

I could go on, but something about this list has really winded me. Come to think of it, I’m feeling a little lightheaded all of a sudden. Plus, I have a hacking cough now. So that’s what wheezing feels like, hmm, who knew? Either way, I think I’m gonna lay down for a bit if you don’t mind. Impromptu naps aren’t usually on my daily docket, but hey, what’s the harm? Right?