I Have Issues

So I’ve had a few hours to think about my platform. Although, like I said, it’s more of a series of planks than a full on platform. The kind pirates insisted captives ambled over for a final Olympic dive into the briny deep. I am not seeking out controversy with this campaign. What I want is a broad coalition of like-minded people who just happen to have a lot of money they are willing to put into my purse. Yes, I carry a purse. You can only fit so much cash in a typical gentleman’s wallet. 

CRIME

My surefire way of reducing crime is to make everything legal. That’s the only thing preventing us from transforming into a crime-free society. No crimes, no criminals. It really is that simple. 

ENVIRONMENT

In honor of Frederick Law Olmsted’s bicentennial a few days ago, I will extend Central Park to include the entirety of Manhattan. I don’t have the ability to do that – yet. But I’m tired of people on this skinny island feeling superior towards outer-borough folks. Won’t be so easy to look down on us when a friendly game of ultimate frisbee ruins your dinner plans, huh? 

ECONOMICS

I want to get back to the barter system. I want a bagel. Take my hat. I need a coffee. Here’s my watch. 

TRANSPORTATION

Not enough people ride bicycles. I have a simple solution. Take every bicycle in the city and double it – that’s how many vehicles should be on the road. How? Simple. By executive order, I will cut every bike in half, creating a city of unicycles. While there is a steep learning curve outside of the circus (especially in the heights of the Bronx), our city will become a far more interesting place if every bike messenger had only one wheel to weave in and out of traffic. 

HOUSING

Since everyone deserves a roof over their head, I am going to give out special-made “shingle hats” made from actual condemned buildings.  Where do you think straw hats came from?

VOTING

I don’t believe in "one person, one vote." I think we should reward the punctual, giving them more votes. Encourage special 2 for 1 deals. Voting should be a fun thing, done over and over. If a person can shoot their age in a game of golf, they should be able to vote their age too.

EDUCATION

Kids are smart, but they don’t need to be too smart. I will abolish schools and encourage a more latchkey existence for our city’s youth. For this, they’ll be given the right to vote. 

MENTAL HEALTH

I want to create a pipeline to help the mentally ill. They have made incredible strides in politics, but in other aspects of society are they lagging behind considerably. Every company should have a certain number (I’ll decide on it), of crazy people to provide a different perspective. 

ANIMAL RIGHTS

All animals should have the right to vote, not just domesticated pets.