Yawn Stewart

 

 

There’s this thing I want to talk about. No one else has thought to talk about it before me. Okay, so maybe that’s not technically true. But I wasn't part of the conversation and I was raised that if I’m not there, then it didn’t happen. The falling tree in the forest thing. Conversations go on all the time and I can’t possibly know everything that’s been said, but that doesn’t stop me from assuming I know exactly what’s been said. We’ve been talking about certain things for centuries. How old do you think I am?

I have a point to make. A few actually. They’ve all been made before, repeatedly by people both dumber and smarter than me. Which is to say, everyone. I want to make it clear that what I’m saying has been vetted. There’s no way I’d risk speaking extemporaneously right now. 

You may be wondering why I’m not just counting my money in my palatial estate. It’s simple. Counting money these days involves computer screens and spreadsheets. I got rich in the first place so I could see cash, hold it in my hands. Apparently, my coterie of financial advisors advises against that. 

It’s a shame, really. I had this plot in my backyard perfect for a money pit. They told me you can’t accumulate interest like that. Sure, but what I don’t want is interested people, snooping while I’m sitting down with a banker beneath the glow of those little green lamps.

Look, I've done some good things, legitimate great things for the less fortunate. Which of course means it's not sanctimonious when I lecture the audience. It's just a little medicine for the masses. Remedies for the rabble. A panacea for the polloi. My show is an extra dose of reality. I'm up here searching for a vain. 

I once had a side-splitting disposition, taking down sacred cows with the alacrity of a gentleman farmer. No longer. Don’t be fooled by my gray beard, because I only see things in black and white. The truth is, my time off gave me the authority to chime in better than wind chimes, casually sounding off in the breeze. I know what I'm talking about. I know better. I always did, but now I really know. 

I used to finger wag and smirk, roll my eyes and feign shock. Sometimes, I’d even yawn. My time off stage was rough, as I saw others take my schtick and enrich themselves beyond my wildest dreams. The funny thing about show business is you still need a room full of writers to write the same joke.