Pearl Clutchers

There was a time, before New York City’s waterways were polluted beyond belief with PCBs and self-importance, when any halfwit could wade into the harbor and dig out a dozen oysters with no extra effort. It got to the point where the first happy hours occurred in the tidal estuaries surrounding the greatest city in the world. People would file out of taverns, disgusted by the food offerings, believing they had the right to a full stomach while drinking themselves into oblivion. 

Those were different times though. While boat traffic got more and more aggressive, in the initial period of bivalve bliss, the water was practically open. No jet skis, no tankers, no swimmers. The only thing that offended people was the lack of oysters. The hoarding of a plate. The inability to find enough ice to keep the raw fare fresh and clean. 

Back then, you didn’t need a rake or a net. People simply grabbed bushels of oysters by hand, willing to put up with the brine and seaweed for a premier product. Today, that’s not that case, with middle management butting in, adding a level of hygiene not even witnessed during the height of a pandemic. People wear gloves. That sort of thing. 

Then came the pearl clutchers, who weren’t interested in guzzling Schaefer and having a few dozen oysters on the half shell. They wanted jewelry for their toy poodles. They threw out perfectly good ones when nary a pearl was found. It went on like this for years, carrying on until this very day. The pearl clutchers are ascendant, picking at their food like Diamond District dilettantes. It’s said that some of them keep a clothespin over their nose, since they can’t stand the smell of the sea. They aren’t in it for the appetizers, uninterested in proper pairings and the affect citrus has on a meaty oyster. It’s all about the glitz. They warn of food poisoning like it’s not simply a byproduct of eating well. 

Too bad you can’t find a good oyster in the Upper New York Bay any longer. But you can’t find pearls either. So sewage will have to suffice.