After speaking with a committee of close friends (paid confidantes), I have decided to throw my tinfoil hat into the ring. While certain types of hats upon folding easily transform into frisbee-like projectiles, with aerodynamics rarely seen outside of a sporting goods store. So there it is, balled up and bouncing across the political arena, a sign of my ascendancy. I’m running for the alternate town council person in a municipality that shall remain nameless. I don’t want to give material to my opponents.
However, they’ve been begging to know my platform. My stance on the issues is simple. I can’t be bothered to address local problems that are plaguging the community. Instead, I want to make it clear that I would have supported the Union Army during the Civil War, John Adams was wrong when he enacted the Alien and Sedition Acts, and slavery was wrong. I don’t want to mince words here. But an issue isn’t really settled until I have weighed in. People ask me what I think about alternate side parking, bike lanes, and affordable housing. I don’t have time for that, when few citizens have heard my take on Napoleon’s invasion of Egypt or The Whiskey Rebellion.
I spoke with an elderly woman the other day in the supermarket, though I’m not sure how she knew who I was. My campaign site doesn’t have any photographs or personal information. Needless to say, someone had tipped her off. She wondered what I knew about healthcare. I told her about my vehement opposition to using leeches in medical procedures. She left satisfied. I think.
Since I launched my campaign, I have moved my headquarters farther away from the district in question. This is the best way to keep me safe and secure.
I will be adding new planks into my campaign in the coming weeks, after I carve out enough historical positions to show where I would have stood during the Civil Rights movement, among other important moments of social upheavel. I hope you’re with me. Good luck finding me.
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