Frenchify This

It’s Bastille Day, so that means frenchifying things. Perhaps you’re wondering how does one “frenchify” and what are these “things.” If so, you’re not alone. Frenchification can take many forms, but most people think it’s merely the presence of a beret and baguette. While a good start, it’s not enough, especially on such a hallowed day. 

You don’t need to approach fluency to frenchify something. Order an “ooobear” instead of an uber and everyone around you while begin whistling la Marseillaise. In fact, you could just sing La Star Spangled Banner in a heavy accent. A good accent always trumps a native speaker. The goal is for me (the American) to understand what you’re saying. 

Drink coffee out of tiny cups, smoke hand rolled cigarettes, people watch in the most ostentatious manner. Curve your lip and shake your head – not your hands. Remember: the goal is to frenchify not accidentally italicize.

The last, best way to celebrate this holiday is to storm. This should be interpreted metaphorically, since prisons today are far more secure than they were in the 18^th century. That was back when all you needed to get inside was either a key or a ladder. Find a locksmith or a tall friend and you’re in business. Not so now in the age of the supermax. Go out and locate places that are prison-like. It could a home, an office, or your own soul. These prisons are simpler to access and don’t get you put on any watch lists. The last thing you want on July 14^th is to end up in prison, especially if the irony is lost on your captors.