Baseball’s Dilemma

This will be the first part in an infinite-part series proposing simple, idiotic solutions to MLB’s current situation. 

Looks like this baseball season, if it even happens, will be shorter than the standard helping of 162 games. I’m not going to explain the ins ands outs of this labor dispute, except to say, it’s not something most pregnant women have the luxury to challenge. In this case, fans can’t induce the players and owners into getting on the field. Not that we’d want such an athletic display from the billionaire class.

While the players want their fair share and the owners wish to squeeze them like a rubber chicken, it’s us fans who are craving even more. Which isn’t a desire limited to piping hot tubed meat in a cold bun. We want to pay more. Lots more. By my calculations, the average stadium beer costs somewhere between twelve and thirty-six dollars. Let’s just say it’s a good start. Instead of arguing over money, the owners could jack up the prices sky high. It’s not as if fans wouldn’t pay upwards of one-hundred dollars. Throw in a plastic collectible cup and you’re in business. Let fans drink beyond the 7th inning and they'll forget what they just paid. There is the argument that total intoxication is necessary given the lack of entertainment permeating the game.

This is the reality. Fans are not in a position. Being at the ballpark is like being at an airport. You pay what they say or else. There isn’t an alternative. New prices would help the owners a great deal and then make the players able to justify an increase in salary. Everybody wins. Except for the fans, but they’re too drunk to stand by this point. At least most places now are equipped with guardrails and wider seats. As much as economists discuss the principles of inflation, the only consistent form of inflation in this country seems to be in our collective backsides. The reality of an expanding derrière is something baseball can handle, more so than other industries. The FAA doesn’t want to believe it will affect their bottom line, but of course, how could it not? Once airline seats increase, you can kiss that carry-on goodbye. Why? Because most people will already be bringing aboard a little something extra.