Interview: This Is All Very Meta

I grew tired of interviews long ago. They are not always as they appear in print. Often edited, routinely condensed to a milk-like powder, and sometimes rewritten completely to convey an entirely different impression of the nutso interviewee. If someone appears intelligent, it’s only because clever editors have made it seem that way. As a jaded misanthrope, I came to the realization that there was only one person I could interview and only one subject I could interview them on. That would be interviewing me on the subject of interviewing.

 

MTP: Good morning. Is it morning where you are?

MTP: Indeed it is. Cloudy, but the sun is no doubt somewhere close by

MTP: It’s not the sunless day the druids feared, is it? 

MTP: Is it a “day” without the sun? 

 

MTP: Ask an Alaskan.

 

MTP: What are we doing this for again?

MTP: I wanted to interview you about interviews.

MTP: Interviews?

MTP: Interviews.

MTP: I’m not an expert.

MTP: Neither am I.

MTP: Interviews today are mere shadow of what they once were.

MTP: Care to elaborate?

MTP: Burr v. Hamilton, Weehawken, New Jersey, standing room only. Now that was an interview.

MTP: Duels were interviews? 

MTP: Duels are interviews, interviews are duels. What about this don’t you understand?

 

MTP: I guess I never thought of an interview in those terms

MTP: In what terms?

MTP: Combative ones. Like it’s a contest. It’s not Borg and McEnroe, but two dopes on the beach playing that pointless paddle ball game, desperately trying to keep it off the sand.

MTP: Then you’re dumber than I thought.

MTP: That doesn’t reflect that well on you, now does it? 

MTP: You’re a softball pitcher, hurling in meaty eephus after meaty eephus. This is hardball, pal. Wake up.

MTP: I'm not your pal. 

MTP: Look, you invited me on. I’m your guest, so start acting like it.

MTP: You’re not my guest, you’re me. 

MTP: Distinction without a difference.

MTP: I knew this was a bad idea. 

MTP: What are you so afraid of? That people are going to think you’re nuts. Newsflash: they already think that. 

MTP: How would you know? You deactivated your Facebook account years ago.

MTP: I have my ways. 

MTP: Let’s wrap this up. 

MTP: Finally, something we can agree on.

MTP: Why a blog? 

MTP: You know the answers already. Kinda defeats the purpose, no? 

MTP: But the audience doesn't.

MTP: What audience? 

MTP: Thanks for your time. Where can people find you?

MTP: Take a wild guess. 

MTP: I don't even know who you are anymore.