The Temptation of Tom Brady

“Tom Brady's retirement lasted 40 days. Brady said Sunday he is returning to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for his 23rd season in the NFL. - ESPN

Tom Brady, full of omega-3 fatty acids and multivitamins, returned from Tampa Bay and was led by his family into retirement, where for forty days he was tempted to stay there by Bill Belichick. He ate nothing at all during those days, except for his typically weird diet, holistic, herbal, pseudo-scientific, at times even healthy, and when they were done talking, all he wanted was a damn burger. Bill Belichick said to him, “If you are the GOAT, command this football to become a loaf of bread. What are you afraid of, a few GMOs?” Tom Brady answered him, “It is tweeted, ‘One does not live by bread alone, except for maybe Jared Fogel, and look where it got him.’”

Then Bill Belichick took him to a locked screening room and showed him in an instant all the mediocre television shows featuring ex-athletes over the years, paying especially close attention to The Masked Singer, gently whispering into his ear, “Gronk did it.” The thought of Tom Brady sweating profusely while stuck inside an oversized, poorly ventilated costume, far from any stadium, aroused Bill Belichick to the point he nearly lost his train of thought. And just then Bill Belichick said to him, “For you, I will talk to one of the producers and put in the good word. Shaq’s mistake was not acting, it was acting when he was still a player. OJ learned that lesson the hard way. Say what you will about him, he was great in Naked Gun. Nordberg, the name alone conjures up warm memories of a simpler time. For it has been given over to me that content is the way of the future, and I give it to anyone I please. If you just promise to stay out of the league forever and ever, it will all be yours, granted you pass the audition.”

Tom Brady answered him, “It is memed, ‘Worship my agent, and serve only him.’”

Then Bill Belichick took him to a Florida retirement community not far from the team’s practice facility, and placed Tom Brady on the pinnacle of a bocce court, saying to him, “If you are the GOAT, make a good shot without spiraling it unnecessarily. Remember, this isn't football, but the fact that you used to throw for a living ought to be an asset. For it is Instagrammed, ‘He will command his family, you married a supermodel, Tom, to outearn you,’ and, ‘On their hands and knees they will prop you up, so that you will not tear your ACL again.’”

 

Tom Brady answered him, “it is said, ‘Do not put the GOAT to the test. Or is it, do put the GOAT to the test? My memory is starting to go.’”

 

When Bill Belichick had finished every test, he departed, kicking himself, which is not easy at his age, knowing he failed to make his case and that Tom Brady is probably now, purely out of spite, going to play until he’s eighty. Maybe Bill Belichick is the one who should retire.