About Tonight's Performance

For those who were looking forward to tonight’s performance, we’re almost sorry. Almost, because, any person looking forward to such drivel is clearly in need of serious professional help. But you paid for your tickets and expected a show of raw, uncensored comedy. That isn’t going to happen. Not on our watch, anyway. There was an overwhelming response from a single outraged audience member. That was enough for us to cancel the show.

In its place we enlisted a group of local bluegrass musicians. Unfortunately, we did so without realizing this problematic Southern tradition. We aim to be an inclusive space for all types of artists and art consumers. Too bad drums – and by extension, drummers - are not welcome on a stage with the descendants of Bill Monroe. Therefore, bluegrass is another example of us falling short of our lofty ideals. 

After that we booked a new age dance troupe, not thinking about the heteronormative implications of a group of a dancers.

Then we asked a classical quartet to play, forgetting the connection between it and Nazism. Wagner anyone? 

The pull of problems seemed to be inescpable. At every turn, we found each new performer had their own baggage – to say nothing of their actual baggage, which our tiny theater can barely store.

Then it dawned on us. Mimes. We’ll hire mimes. Mimes can’t offend anyone, can they?  They ride around on silly bicycles, gesturing and never saying a word. Then the letters started pouring in about the French, Freedom Fries, Vichy, and how silence is now considered violence. Suddenly, mimes were out. 

We did the only reasonable thing and closed up shop for good. But if you feel like you have to get out of the house tonight, our doors will be unlocked and our lights will be off. Concessions will be open though. So feel free to sit and ponder deep questions of the universe while nothing takes place around you. Because an empty stage is a safe one.