Podcasting is hard. Turning the microphones on and then finding something to talk about for three to four hours doesn’t come naturally to most people – myself included. That’s why I’ve devised a foolproof system to generate even more money from an adoring audience, currently sick of politics, pop culture and mindless detours into team sports. Friends, Romans, sycophants, lend me your money. Actually, don’t lend it – that would be a problem come tax season. Give it up. Here’s how.
Tier 1
For the cost of one extra large coffee (20 ounces, I’d say) a month, you’ll enjoy a ton of extra content. You will be the first in line to receive special short episode bursts. Five second shows where I string together as many swear words as I can before the recording stops.
Tier 2
For the cost of a buttered croissant, fruit salad, and two coffees, plus an Arnold Palmer for dessert, you’ll get a t-shirt emblazoned with my catchphrase, “You’re on the air…” aross the front and “…airhead” on the back. Right now, pumpkin orange is the only color in stock.
Tier 3
Instead of putting your kids through college, give that money to me and receive in return a special ceramic mug with my new catchphrase, “Tell me about your first million.”
Tier 4
Why own a second car when you can be my driver? Take and pass a defensive driving safety course (at your own expense, of course) and I’ll happily give you the address of my compound and passcode to the front gate.
Tier 5
It’s sad to think that someone like Cezanne didn’t have a loyal patron until the end of his life. Don’t make the same mistake.
Tier 6
At the blank check level, it’s just what you think. Send me a check and I’ll fill in the rest. Here’s hoping your bank doesn’t have overdraft fees. Keychain included.
Tier 7
Opening a new line of credit is smart. Opening another line of credit for a complete stranger who hosts your favorite podcast is even smarter.
Tier 8
At this level, my unborn second born child is yours. And for short time only, I’ll throw in a branded hooded sweatshirt.
Tier 9
Finally, you can start getting some premium episodes the first eight tiers won’t. All you have to do is take out a life insurance policy on yourself and name my production company the beneficiary.
Tier 10
Get a chance to be an extra in my soon-to-be-produced biopic. You won’t have any lines, but you will have a screen credit as, “Drunk #18.”
Tier 11
You get to clean my house and if things are timed right, even take out the trash and do my dry cleaning.
Tier 12
At this level, you can have the show itself. I’ll be somehwere in the Caymans, sipping on a mai tai and figuring out how to launder all the money I’ve squeezed out of people. Good luck and may this podcast be a blessing.
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