Lately, many people have accused me of being a cult-like figure. Which is not the same as a cult-like figurine, protected under the plastic sheen of packaging material and re-sold on eBay for top dollar. Neither are correct in the technical, historical, or mythical sense.
How come? For one thing, I lack the charisma of a Jim Jones, as well as the sunglasses. I don’t know the difference between kool-aid and regular ol’ fruit punch, a key component of any communitarian enclave. I don’t have the easy-going personality of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, nor do I possess his love of the color red. I haven’t sat on the ground in decades, preferring a throne. I look better from the neck up in an ill-fitting suit, complemened by a choppy internet connection. Others assume I have fascistic inclinations based on my love of harsh hand gestures. It’s not true. I was told by my doctor that keeping blood to my extremities is extremely important.
How can I be a cult leader without a name? Every movement has a name. I’m just a man with a few ideas. Ideas that before me were so obvious most people had never thought to put them down on paper. I got a book out of it. Before me, clean rooms were few and far between. People let sheets dangle on the floorboards and stacks of used periodicals pile up to the ceiling. I was the first one to publically recommend napkins and a mirror to check the whisker-to-crumb ratio.
I’m a recovering drug addict, not that you’d know that. I blame society for my problems and the arc of history bending towards solipsism. Plus, I was a drug addict in the same way Robert DeNiro was an Oscar Winner. The is a man who starred in Dirty Grandpa.
The real reason I’m not a cult leader is because I don’t do anything remotely interesting with my supposed power. I lecture people. I get interviewed on podcasts. But I haven’t bought a private island. I don’t wear a funny hat or written a sci-fi novel. I haven’t changed my name to something catchier. Maybe I’m not cool enough for the role. I certainly am rich enough though.
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