The Last of Ideas

INSIDE A BIG HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE’S OFFICE, A FEW WOULD-BE SHOWRUNNERS PITCH THEIR NEWEST IDEA FOR AN ORIGINAL SERIES. HOW ORIGINAL? WELL, THAT REMAINS TO BE SEEN…

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. The world is ending. The sky is gray, there’s fire everywhere, everyone over 5 has a beard, and stray dogs roam the landscape. In other words, it’s certifiably post-apocalyptic. People drive old jeeps, band together with an assortment of found weaponry, simply trying to survive at all costs. 

There’s a subset of citizens who cause havoc for the good folks of this land. What’s wrong with them? They are devoid of a moral compass and at times, can be caught chewing on their fellow man. Sound familiar?

Yes, of course. You’re talking about zombies, right?

Who said anything about zombies? These “weird” people are deeply troubled and straddle the living and the dead. Do they have an awful skin condition? Most definitely. In the end times, moisturizers and creams are extremely hard to come by. The flaking, the itching, the scratching – it just gets worse and worse. 

Right. But this sure sounds like zombies.

There’s an important distinction. We never say they’re zombies. That’s the key component of a zombie show; the unapologetic embrace of zombies. Not by the townspeople, since they’d get infected after so much as a handshake. Our people have bad skin, and they are taking it out on the fresh-faced, oil-free survivors. 

By eating them?

We would prefer the term “gnawing”, but yes, should you catch them prior to a meal, total consumption may occur 

What would they call themselves?

They don’t call themselves much of anything. They grunt and growl without much of an interior life. 

I gotta say, this really does sound like another stupid zombie show. I feel like the public has grown tired of them. Don’t you?

Would you mind rolling up your sleeves? For a simple demonstration. It won’t take long.

Okay…

ONE OF THE WRITERS BITES THE EXECUTIVE ON THE FOREARM.

In a few minutes, you’ll come around to our way of thinking. Trust us. What do you think? 

Joanne, can you get security in here? I think you’ve run out of ideas. Call me when you think of something with vampires.