You think the Pentagon Papers are a form of military recycling.
You think Watergate is just a hotel.
You think burying ledes is something your landscaper does.
You think a leak can be fixed with duct tape.
The only whistleblowers you know teach high school gym.
The longest thing you ever wrote was a 35-part tweet thread about why you shouldn’t have to work Presidents Day.
You cried when you got your blue check mark.
You cried when Musk bought Twitter.
You cry too much during the workday.
Your idea of a hard day at the office involves texting relatives to share your story across their social media platforms.
You went to Journalism School.
You’ve never respected anyone you remotely disagree with.
You hate asking questions.
You hate getting answers that challenge your own pre-conceived notions about the world.
You’re always signing open letters.
You don’t believe in striving for some semblance of objectivity and fairness.
You think there’s a single right answer on every issue.
You believe certain ideas you disagree with are a form of violence and should be outlawed.
You can’t craft a sentence without the help of a committee.
You think the first amendment is the least important one.
You’re a dope.
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