Headphoning it In

 

It can be difficult to get the attention of someone wearing headphones. Which, on my daily commute, comprises of approximately 97.8% of people. The others, “ear nude,” probably just forgot theirs at home, and are kicking themselves for a painfully podcast-free ride. But if you are among the coterie of readers or starers, saying “excuse me, pardon me,” no longer does the trick. Successfully navigating through this sea of stupefied straphangers requires something a tad more dramatic. 

 

Mime Time

When face-to-face with a headphone zombie, there’s always the opportunity to connect with them on a personal level. I do my best Marcel Marceau impression. Some quibble that my French isn’t up to par, but as I like to say, what’s the point of achieving fluency when you’re a mime? I cup my ear like I’m digging for quarters and pull out an imaginary earbud. This usually gives them pause. They stop and immediately identify me as a member of the headphone tribe. I laugh and walk past them as they are left to pick up the pieces, after I make a littering motion, leaving my invisible accessory on the floor. 

 

Fresh Air

Clapping has two functions. It startles the target into submission, and it also creates a mini-wind vortex. I sometimes fan my arms, flapping them like so many young geese back from a southern swing.  

 

Making faces

Sticking your tongue out at anyone, especially a stranger blocking the exit is a surefire way of making an impression. Good? Not the point. 

 

Old Yeller

It’s not violent if you don’t touch them. These are words, many a parolee lives by as they make their way through a complex transit system, full of garbage and lunacy. Yelling in the face of someone, while joyous, doesn’t always work. Remember, long before people were getting cancelled left and right, headphones were unapologetically cancelling noise. 

 

If that doesn’t work, let Moe Howard be your guide. Under advisement from my lawyers, I won’t say how, but just know that anything within the Stooges’ vast oeuvre can help you get the attention of someone tuning out the world.