I have some bad news. I’m running for president. Why? Simple. I am a revolutionary agent of change. Yes, it’s true that I grew up with a silver spoon, a golden fork, and a diamond tea kettle. But in my youth, I often found time to relate to ordinary people when I wasn’t tossing around the football in Hyannisport with one of my seven thousand cousins.
Despite what you may have heard, I’m not a conspiracy theorist, I’m a conspiracy practitioner. Big difference. This isn't college, this is the real world.
Lots of politicians talk about criminal justice reform, but I do more than that. A lot more. Consider this: I defended my murderer of a cousin and then, despite other members of my own family, I came defended the man who killed my father. I had to cut him off a few times when he tried to profess his guilt. Look, sir, you’re innocent. I know a thing or two about being wrongfully accused.
I don’t love the planet, I hate people. That’s the main big difference between me and other environmentalists.
They say the apple doesn’t fall from the tree. In my case, it’s right there, worm-ridden and rotten, but it’s an apple nonetheless.
And while I find the notion of social distancing morally repugnant, I have been comfortably out of touch for decades.
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