Jerry Springer Spaniel

 

[indiscriminate barking]

 

Jerry Springer Spaniel, a medium size springer spaniel, sits in the audience holding a microphone. He’s toying with the crowd quite literally, pawing out chew toys to anxious members of the ticketed crowd. Bart, a golden retriever and Missy, another golden retriever, sit next to each other on stage. They live on the same farm in rural Pennsylvania.

Jerry:   Missy, how many puppies do you and Bart have?

Missy:  I lost count a while ago, but it was at least a dozen last time I checked. 

[clapping from the crowd]

Jerry:   Is that all? 

Missy: I hope so. Bart got fixed last fall.

 

Jerry:   Are you sure about that? 

 

Bart shakes his head and Missy looks confused.

 

Jerry:   Josefina, why don’t come on down? And bring your little one, Antonio. 

 

One tiny chihuahua and a chihuahua spaniel mix amble up to the stage. Missy gets up and goes wild, lunging at the chihuahua. Security has to separate them using biscuits and treats. 

 

Jerry:   Dogs, dogs. Let’s act like civilized animals. So, Josefina, when did you meet Bart?

 

Josefina: Last winter.

 

Jerry: [to the crowd] Some resemblance, huh?

 

Bart: Jerry, if I may. I’ve never seen this bitch in my life. 

 

Jerry: To any human beings in the audience, that’s a technical term.

 

Missy: We’re going straight to the vet before going home, mister. 

 

Josefina: How can you say that, papi?

 

Antonio: Da da. Dada. 

 

Antonio begins to howl as pandemonium ensues. Missy bites one of the security guards. Bart urinates on the carpet. Josephina yips at Jerry and the crowd barks. 

 

Jerry: Tomorrow we have a poodle who can’t stop licking himself, a German Shepherd coming to terms with his war crimes, and a greyhound whose best friend is a flea. Take care of yourself and each other. Till next time, woof woof.