George Santos' Pantos

 

George Santos might look like a run-of-the-mill double-talking politician. But he’s a little different. This man has a glow, as well as an apparently successful clothing business. Even the toughest critics must acknowledge his unusual incandescence. And this incendiary panache, bona fide razzle dazzle, stems from the bottom up. To put it simply: he’s hot right now.

Are you allergic to the truth? Do you exaggerate events for sheer entertainment? Or lie about seemingly inconsequential details? If you just can’t help yourself from telling outright falsehoods, boy do we have clothes for you. Introducing, George Santos’ Pantos, fire-retardant pants for the liar in your life. Each pair is expertly ironed right on George’s walnut desk. Act now, before it’s removed as evidence in the forthcoming federal indictment. It's bolted to the floor, so bring your toolbox.

He’s solved the most pressing problem plaguing every fabulous fabulist: what to wear. It’s not practical to travel with a fire extinguisher, smoke detector, and bucket of water everywhere you go. This isn’t the heady days of Ben Franklin’s volunteer fire department, where you could come and go as you please despite constant blazes. What liars need are flame-retardant pants.

Because lying is hard enough without having to worry about the combustibility of your lower half. Liars deserve the freedom to fabricate without members of the public commenting on noticeable ash lines along their inseam or embers shaking loose from a burnt pant leg. You’d hate to commit perjury and get smoke inhalation. Talk about insult to injury. 

At GSP, we like to say, “liar, liar, no longer pants on fire.” Since time immemorial, inveterate prevaricators, grand fibbers and ordinary lying rat bastards were all forced to suffer for their sins. Whether it was toasted thighs, singed unmentionables, or a general sense of dread following every move, their daily lives were never free from the threat of bodily harm. 

We have perfected the latest in trouser technology, allowing for extra legroom to fit a lifetime of deceit. You’re now able to spin a wild yarn without ever losing the plot, or a thread. Here’s how it works. Whenever someone like George tells a real whopper, a spark starts somewhere between the fly and cuff. That’s where the real trouble begins. Only a true psychopath can soldier through a tall tale while his legs ignite in flames. This is when and where we earn our keep. Inside the legs, are tiny sprinkler heads, dozens of them, which go off like an aquatic symphony. It's quite a sight when you see it for the first time. Now, to the untrained eye, it may look like you have a faulty bladder. But that’s merely how it looks. Water dries in time, second degree burns, not so much. 

You’re lying to yourself if you think this deal will last forever. And that’s the only person we can’t lie to. Everyone else is fair game. While the emperor has no clothes, the freshman congressman sure has nice pants. Act now before this deal, like George’s political career, goes up in smoke.