It’s not who you know that matters, but who your parents know. And it’s not your first name that people care about, but your last name. The trouble is most of us can’t get around the random circumstances of our birth.
Until now.
Because, for a modest sum (actually, sums), you can finally get that pedigree to go with your advanced degree. A Nepotist is like an exorcist, except instead of enlisting someone to work on neck flexibility and a liquid diet, you’re paying a person to provide the necessary credentials to succeed in life. Need a name change? No problem. Need a new car? Start shopping. Like any university, we provide predatory loans so anyone can take full advantage of our suite of offerings. Everyone should know what it’s like to be a scion of industry.
Too many would-be celebrities are identity bereft. You’re probably struggling submitting that screenplay languishing in your desk drawer? The Nepotist can help you. Try querying studios with the last name Apatow and watch as your phone won’t stop vibrating. Have you always wanted to work at NASA? Turns out, having the last name Einstein doesn’t exactly hurt. Think you can build a better car than Musk? How does Henry Ford Jr. Jr. sound? We all love performing dance videos on TikTok. You know what helps? When a viewer connects you to an actual Oscar winner.
Some applicants worry about the potential for fallout. I always use one question to prove my point. How many Baldwin brothers are there? 4? 6? 18? 57? See? You have no idea. And neither do they. Nobody does. They won't mind one more. Trust me. When you make that first audition as Abner Baldwin, I’m sure the rest of the brood will be happy when you land the role. Because Hollywood, like most industries, is one big family.
What a Nepotist does is shrouded in mystery and NDAs. But make no mistake about: this is not a meritocracy. You know what helps to get a series greenlit on Netflix? Not going to film school, of course, but rather showing producers you are 1/128th Corsican prince. Nepotists try to rid you of your non-celebrity soul and replace it with at least a C-lister.
Don’t believe me? Here’s one testimonial in support of what we do.
“I was struggling to make it as a visual artist. Literally starving. I wanted to be the next Warhol and couldn’t even afford a soup can for dinner. So I contacted the Nepotist and we worked out a payment plan over the course of my life span. I went from unknown painter, Drew Dinkins, to celebrity wunderkind, Phillipe Picasso. Not too bad. Thanks, Nepotist, you’re a life saver. Especially since you have my life savings now.”
Remember. If you can’t be famous, you can pretend to be related to someone famous. It beats praying.
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