Hamfisted U

Here at Hamfisted U, we offer many disengaging courses for students. Ones that help foster something we like to call, “the death of the mind.” This is a campus where you learn to unthink what you thought about thinking. We teach how to stay on the surface, skating across intellectual ponds like a Basilisk lizard. 

A few of our most popular classes this semester are “Cowardice: In Theory and Practice”, “Moral Depravity 101”, Finding Yourself in the Crowd: The Sublimity of Conformity”, “Not My Fault: Avoiding Responsibility Through Empowerment”,  “The Alchemy of Offense: How to Make Something Out of Nothing”, “Keep Digging: The philosophy of Making a Bad Situation Worse”, “Burn On: Environmentally-sound Library Recycling”, and everyone’s favorite, “Undefeated: Going Through Life Right About Everything.”

We care about your well-being. That’s why, despite climate change, we’re committed to keeping every student bundled up in down coats for the duration of their tenure. You might sweat at first, but you’ll learn to get through it. Once you realize there’s no room for individuality and everyone is wearing a parka in July, it’ll be just fine. Pick up special darkened sunglasses at the university bookstore for just $17.95, discounted for the rest of the month. Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see a thing. 

Oh, and this year, every student and teacher will get a number instead of a name. But guess what? It’s the same one for everyone. 

Zero.