Saint Timonious

 

Timonious was born in modern day Tunis, eighty-seven years after the crucifixion. He enjoyed the proximity to the lord, assuming it added to his already growing cache. His upbringing was privileged, coming from educated and wealthy stock. His preaching started on the schoolyard, not far from the Mediterranean. He knew he wasn’t just different from every other child, but better. He felt that in his bones. 

 

He'd stand atop wooden crates, rocks, really anything he could find to give himself a proper and prophetic stature. 

 

He never picked ups a check, preferring his followers to take care of it. He bathed several times a day and found alabaster to be his favorite material, adorning most every surface in his gallic Chateau. 

 

One of the very few saints who insisted on beatification in his lifetime. The way he put it, “I’m already a saint – you know it, I know it. Why not give me the title so I can charge more at book signings.” A special exception was made, and he toured the world as “the Living Saint™” here to lecture you sinners. He hoarded sponsorships, collection plates, and bejeweled footwear, especially anything of the open-toed variety. He had several houses, compounds, really. He got into banking. The “most profitable prophet,” as his chariot read. 

 

He thumbed his nose at martyrdom and prided himself on being a survivor, outlasting all of his contemporaries. He had a family, because “why not? To not pass on whatever I have, now that would be a sin.” 

 

He knew he was better than everyone else and, in many ways, he was. He never tired of telling people that, and they never tired of hearing it. It was a match made in heaven, only it was here on earth. He died at the ripe age of 132, choking on an oversized caper, dropping his trusty gilded chalice, spilling ceremonial wine all over his fine alabaster patio. Even he would say, he had a pretty good run. The hardest part of faith for him was worshipping Christ, someone who he doubted had anything on him. That was a daily test, one of the few he consistently failed. 

 

While we won’t see the likes of Saint Timonious again, his legacy lives on. And you never have to look far to find it.