Hello there, prospective high school student, considering our university. We are honored that you’re thinking of us. It really matters to be on the minds of someone without a fully formed cerebellum. Don’t fret, you’ll have far more power than an tenured professor. But what makes our school different from the others on your list?
It’s very simple. While many institutions of higher learning offer small class sizes, world class education, and a verdant quad with a smattering of hacky sack, cornhole, and other portable lawn games, our focus is on you, the person. Not you the individual, but you the group. You’ll be indoctrinated during orientation week, so your personality should be subsumed for the glory of the mob.
Are you worried about grades? That’s not something you need to think about. You’re a camper first, a student a distant second.
When you arrive on campus in the fall, the first thing most colleges tell you is to move into your dorm. There’s no need for a dorm here. Everything you need will be right on the quad. The green will be a burnt dirt brown. We can provide several types of tents, a wafting potpourri of cannabis, incense, and excrement. There’s no need to worry about sharing a bathroom when the whole campus defaults as a glorified toilet. It’s a relief knowing that relieving yourself is not something that needs to be planned with any thought.
So spread out, make yourself at home, and yell into you pass out. We want a generation of young people so angry they can barely think, let alone walk straight.
Hope to see you soon.
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