Manhattan Is Going Down

When it comes to making Manhattan an affordable place to live, New Yorkers see more proposals than a Las Vegas chaplain, welcoming sloshed lovebirds to his 24-hour chapel. And much like most activities in Vegas, they are quickly forgotten by everyone except the holy Elvis. That’s if they were even remembered in the first place. 

So there’s a new idea floating around which would make floating around that much harder. Some guy wants to fill in the land between Governors Island the Whitehall Terminal. Something about more space to build homes. What about the jet skiers and other wild waterway disruptors? Will the Staten Island Ferry have to put on wheels to get around? What about the skyline? I reject this proposal on purely aesthetic grounds, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a counterproposal of my own. It's not polite to come empty handed. 

Why engage in such a disruptive sea grab, when we have plenty of room left on the island? I know it’s not the nicest spot around, but last time I checked, there are hundreds of abandoned or unused subway tunnels in this great city. How about refurbishing these subterranean gems? It’s true, there are the mole people to deal with, who went underground ever since the Vitamin D tablets became more accessible. Honestly, they should be paying rent. To whom and for how much is not up to me to decide. 

I know there are many New Yorkers who prize things like “natural light” and “cleanliness” over space, but if this city is really reaching a housing crises, are we actually going to ignore this opportunity? Plenty of teenagers live in their parents’ basement during transitional periods. Are we so much better than a typical pimple-faced adolescent, sneaking cigarettes and 40 ounces under the nose (and floor) of their family? Not to me. Subway tunnels are more spacious (some even boast Guastavino tile, much nicer than anything in your bathroom), especially when you remove trains from them. Yes, rats are here. But you’re being naïve if you think rats stick to where you can’t see them. That’s just what they want you to think. 

Look at this way. It worked for the Ninja Turtles.