The Frozen People

 

The central tenet of winter theology is not focused on rogue elves, but rather, that God froze a specific group of people, who were notably well-suited to enjoying the elements without the help of an expensive down jacket. The Lord knew that he couldn’t base his decision on who was able to afford Canada goose. One of the great mysteries is that anyone able to wait in a long line out in the cold for a jacket doesn't need a jacket. But again, for him, brand loyalty was never the point. Except for when it meant siding with him and his ilk. Though he never liked idols, he still provides moral and financial support to the Academy Awards. Just watch how many people thank him in their rambling speeches every year.

These people – the Frozen - were selected for their passion and preference for skipping layers. We all know them from the neighborhood. In every community where snow comes into play, there are people who wear shorts and t-shirts in December, skimping on thermal underwear as a way of proving their toughness and showing off their frostbitten calves. They are insulted by regular folks digging out their driveways. Normal people, the Unfrozen, are incapable of concentration while a neighbor prances through a snow drift in clogs and Bermuda shorts. The thing is, entire museums depend on Frozen People. 

When a caveman would go missing, often fighting with this compatriots over pelt wearing, he’d leave the camp in a huff only to freeze to death in a snowbank. Most of the conflicts between humans pre-civilization centered on clothing. What to wear, what not to wear, and this was at a time absent fashion listicles. This sort of natural mummification is preferred by curators in the way many smart shoppers seek out words like “organic” and “Paul Newman” on products before purchasing. It's true, some early men mummified their dead, but like a street tamale, the seal is never perfect. Which is understandable, since both are made under duress. 

This is why the Frozen People have gotten so far. They weren’t snowflakes. Although, they were affected by them. God’s Frozen People are still around – for now. Shoveling sidewalks shirtless and the rest of it, but for how much longer is anyone’s guess. One of the many risks of climate change is leaving these people left to thaw in the sweltering heat. Maybe then, they’ll finally put on a coat.