Meathead in the Morning

It's me, Meathead in the Morning. Which is why I'm not a vegetarian. I'm meat, for God's sake. If animals want to eat me, they are going to have to catch me first. We’re taking your calls for the next three hours on any subject under the sun. What’s that? This is a podcast? We can’t take calls? Looks like someone has taken too many kicks to the head. My mistake, honest mistake. That’s what PDs are for, I guess. We don't have a PD? Okay then, well, there's a voice in my head. I'm sure we'll get to the bottom of it soon enough. Either way, back to that phrase, “under the sun.” How do we know what we’re under the sun and it’s not the other way around? Maybe the sun is under us.

My first and only guest is an esteemed Mixed-up Martial Arts fighter with thoughts on lots of non-fighting related subjects. Although, to be fair, he likes to liken everything to his pugilistic period. I heard him compare navigating the buffet at Waffle House with cage matches. The violence, the resentment, the mashed potatoes. Those potatoes are the perfect metaphor for getting ones face bashed in, especially if the skin is included. What was I saying? My long-term memory ain’t what it…I can’t really say. My short-term memory used to be good a long, long time ago. 

As I was saying, brain damage is a beautiful thing. It’s like an acid trip without the acid. A trip with the ornery gate agent and crying babies. The good acid, not the acid that burns a hole through your engine block. The only thing that dies is your ego. Not mine though. He has risen. A couple hundred million in the bank will lift anyone out of the doldrums. What's a doldrum anyway? A dull drum? That’s a figure of speech. I wouldn’t keep my money in the bank. The bank is for suckers. In fact, where it put it rhymes with bank. I put it in my isolation tank. I tried meditation for years and year with no results. Pillows, yoga mats, it didn’t matter. The second I got this much money, I found my mind was infinitely clearer. I was more surprised than anyone.

What do you think about the earth being flat? Let me answer and see how you react. I think it makes sense that the earth is flat. When I was fighting competitively I started with a rather round head. But a funny thing happened on the way to fame and fortune. I got kicked in the face so many times that my head started to flatten. Look at it. It’s like a roof deck now. So much for the chrome dome. The same thing happened to the planet. I buy that in the early days the earth was rounder than a cue ball. But millions of years getting bombarded by asteroids are going to have some effect. Sorry, they do. They flatten things. It’s like baking. Did you take up baking? You don’t need a baker to know which way the dough rolls. Right?

Now here’s a question for you. Do you like coffee? This coffee here, a sponsor of the program, is made with actual jet fuel. Of course it’s organic, it comes straight from the ground. That’s what I never understood about the anti-drilling people. Oil is like the earth’s blood. We’re vampires, which could be worse. Because one thing I know about vampires is that they live forever. I'm not much of a garlic lover, so the transition from the living to the undead has been quite easy. The point is that this coffee gets me going. You might want a breath mint or two if you’re planning on locking any lips later today. I could do a couple thousand squats after a cup and benchpress a tectonic plate. Another thing that’s flat. 

Thanks for joining the program today. You made me think about a lot of things today and the time just flew by. I’ll be telling poorly constructed jokes that aren’t funny but offset by constant yelling and uncomfortable microphone play. See everyone there. Bye.