Who's On Worst?

This routine was recently discovered beneath the floorboards of a Paterson, New Jersey bowling alley – if you must know, it was between the 7 and 8 pins. The game has fallen out of favor in the Garden State, since people are not sure where to stick their fingers safely, given the last 18^th months of sanitization. Oddly prescient, hardly prurient, it deals with issues of our day. There is the theory that it was created by the hologram, one I roundly reject. But here it is, nonetheless. 

Abbott: Hello, Costello. Are you up to date on insulting and objectionable language?   

 

Costello: I think so, but it’s early January, so things like that are subject to change.

 

Abbott: Would you like to know more about speech you should avoid? 

 

Costello: Sure, but you’ll have to tell me what to say. I want to hear it verbatim. ‘Cause I can’t afford to get in trouble.

 

Abbott: Oh, I can do that. What you can and can’t say has only gotten odder over the years.

 

Costello: You mean like weird things? 

 

Abbott: Strange things, bizarre things. Like oriental rugs. Once okay, now no way. 

 

Costello: How about calling toupées rugs? 

 

Abbott: Not anymore. Since it offends the bald and the rugman alike. 

 

Costello: Interesting. So tell me the new rules, if you would be so kind? 

 

Abbot: With pleasure. It’s offensive, that’s problematic, and I can’t say what’s next.  

 

Costello: Go on.

 

Abbott: I have.

 

Costello: You know the words I should watch out for.

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: The words that will cause us trouble in our act.

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: So tell me what’s offensive.

 

Abbott: It’s offensive. 

 

Costello. What is?

 

Abbott. No.

 

Costello: Let’s say I say something offensive. 

 

Abbott: Be careful, Lou. We’re on the air.

 

Costello: I know, I know. But whatever I say, you’re saying that’s offensive no matter what. 

 

Abbott: That’s problematic.

 

Costello: What is it?

 

Abbott: That. 

 

Costello: So it’s offensive. 

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: What?

 

Abbott: I can’t say. 

 

Costello: It’s problematic?

 

Abbott: It’s offensive.

 

Costello: What is?

 

Abbott: That.

Costello: You don't say.

 

Applause, laughter, a few tears.