Traveling for the traveler has gotten fraught as it’s become much easier and cheaper. There was a period of the past when you had to be really lucky or extremely rich to travel a couple miles from your birthplace. Out to where the accents bent unfamiliarly and the cuisine left a bad taste in your mouth. Arch-criminals and moral reprobates usually found the time to skedaddle to the outskirts of town. But lamming it after a big heist isn’t the same as touring ancient ruins or a geological wonder. Feel free to document either case, but in one, it will be used against you in a court of law.
You’re fine just where you are. Which is why, at the travel desk (a desk made of the finest endangered sequoia), burnt beautifully with the rosiest of streaks, we aren’t recommending you go anywhere special this year. Here are a few places not worth traveling. When you pack your bags, you’re part of the problem.
Europe? For what? It’s been done to death. I have a friend who’s dream vocation is hatmaker to the French. His idea is that berets ought to adjustable like baseball caps, made to refit due to sudden growth or an influx of hair. What the bald call, “a follicle infusion.”
The Midwest? Not likely. You go there and comment on the pizza differences and how nice everyone is. Leave it alone.
The West Coast? No thanks. But they'll thank you for not going.
If you can’t walk there, you shouldn’t be there. Imagine if Columbus had followed this advice. What a world, huh?
Anywhere they don’t speak English. Because all you’ll end up doing is asking, “excuse me, do you speak English?”
Anywhere The United States has ever had beef with. This could be a big war – like say with Germany, Japan or Britain. But smaller gripes shouldn’t be overlooked. Personally, it’s why I avoid Connecticut.
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