First, Do No Smarm

Hosting a late-night television program is one of life’s greatest joys. It’s not a joy I have directly experienced, but then again, I’m no foie gras fiend and yet, I can still appreciate the succulence of goose liver from afar. Picture the live studio audience though (dead studio audiences never caught on and I seriously wonder why. It’s much easier to wrangle cadavers than a roomful of sentient beings). Clear, illuminated instructions dictating when to applaud and laugh keeps the atmosphere inside positive. Imagine how much more civilized society would be if other instructions were heeded in the same, non-negotiable way. The producers don’t care whether or not you find the show funny, all they care is that you laugh. There’s probably a moral or two somewhere in that. 

For the hosts, life is never the same once they slip that sound cable through their cummerbund and up their shirt. The sad truth is that their position within show business depends on the quality of craftsmen who ultimately build the set. These hammering hulks get to decide just how seriously each host is taken by the rest of us. 

Ideally, you want a platform that’s high enough to talk down to the audience but low enough to punch up at power. It’s a fine line to sit, one that requires clear measurements and a working level. 

Not too long ago, hosting a show such as this meant jokes, lots of jokes. A decent monologue followed by mindless banter with guests was the standard operating formula. But we’re not in the Catskills anymore. People don’t wear suspenders and kvetching is just another word missing a vowel. Today, these hosts pick up the slack where public education has failed. Teaching people how to think. It’s not like teachers are doing that anymore. They give us instructions and try, without jokes, to make the world a better place. 

Why can’t these shows adapt? In the 70s, it was perfectly acceptable to clothesline an opponent during an NFL game. Similarly, it was fine to make a throwaway line for a laugh. Now, it’s all about speaking truth to power and preventing concussions. The world changes and there’s no use fighting it.