Get Thee To a Cannery

Canneries are not my area of expertise. Having never worked in or around one, I just assume most everyone keeps their jars of peaches and cans of beans on the lowest shelf of their darkest cabinet. However, it’s recently come to my attention that those of us who like to be prepared for the next power outage or flash riot, have been doing it all wrong all along. In the absence of a legitimate cannery, what's the next best thing?

While you might find it hard to believe, I can read. And given my fraying attention span, ruptured by this era of infinite distractions, cans are among the most substantial forms of reading material at my disposal. I check on the ingredients, the brand history, and any recommended recipes listed with brief, idiot-proof cooking instructions. 

For years, I and everyone else, has done the same thing – stored their most important food items in a cool place. What a mistake that’s been.

The shadowy cupboard with dead insects and dust mites is not what is meant. Does that sound cool to you? Is that the place you would’ve cut class to hang out in? I scooped up my entire collection of produce and dry goods searching for a better, wiser location. I’ve had to think about something I haven’t considered since high school: what makes a place cool. 

Velvet ropes don’t hurt. Neither does a cavalcade of beautiful people impatiently standing behind it. But cool places aren’t merely superficial. There’s a great deal that goes into cool. Cool music, the sort of melodies that you can’t sing along to. Cool furniture, the sort of pieces you can’t sit on. And cool food, trendy snacks on tiny white plates that no matter how many you consume will never, ever fill you up. Cool art you won’t understand. Cool people you won’t relate to. But cool places are still made for the safe storage of canned goods. Don’t believe me? Try it yourself. 

To locate cool, you have to start being cool yourself. Refer to people as cool cats and cats as cool people. Get a new haircut. Buy new clothes. Use words like "mod" and choose complicated handshakes over engaging conversation. 

I eventually found a perfect place to preserve my lima beans and pickle jars. I can’t tell you though. It is a former warehouse that’s now an underground discotheque. Frankly, it’s too cool as it is and more people finding out about it runs the risk of diminishing its necessary cool factor. Imagine returning to pick up my food in a few months to discover that the location has been renovated and is now within a strip mall beside a karate studio and an H&R block. I’d be very concerned about the food. Finding a cool place is even more essential to your happiness than an honest bank. Because these deposits you actually eat. And that sure holds my interest.