Greener Berets

I do a lot for the environment. Some you can see, most you can’t. Because of that, I am going to show everything to you. Otherwise, how am I supposed to get the credit? I could just tell you all the things I do. Like how I always turn my many air conditioning units to exactly 68 degrees Fahrenheit, instead of a much cooler, far more inefficient 64. It’s the little things that count. I could also tell you about how I refill plastic water bottles with rainwater. I still drive a ton, but I make sure to park farther down my long, winding driveway so the walk back is rather arduous. There are times I use my second car to drive up, but that's extremely rare. I clean up dog excrement with my reusable public radio tote bag. And I don’t even have a dog. We all just have to do our part.

I started taking private jets one way instead purchasing the far more economical roundtrip ticket. It’s always awkward when I wave goodbye and wish my skymates a friendly farewell in Omaha or wherever we’re refueling this time. There’s a lot more I could tell you. How instead of using the fridge I leave food out on the counter now. I try my best to eat it before it goes bad or the neighborhood critters get to it. It’s a a little game I play with them, strengthening the interspecies bond among the locals. Or something.  

But I don’t want to tell you everything I do. How I wash my clothes once every six months on a piece of jutting Manhattan schist located in a public park several miles away with the help of some teamster buddies and a few hundred galloons of collected rainwater. I don’t just collect the stuff in tiny bottles. That you might have already guessed.

The thing is, I want people to know this about me without having to tell them. Without having to stop them on their merry way and learn from the best (me). I have a solution. I started wearing a green beret to signal my good works. I know, I know, people might think I’m French. Which is fine, most of the time, especially when ordering snails. But green berets are rare. Black, sure. Red, on occasion. But green – that’s mine and mine alone. Reach out if you want one, seeing as I had to buy them in bulk to get a better deal. 

I could go on, but the beret should say it all. C’est magnifique.