Shuck and Awe

To throngs of summer loving automatons, corn is nourishment and nothing more. It’s something to be picked out of one’s teeth using rusty metal skewers, charred and greasy from hours of silent marination. There, atop picnic tables with more than a few visible splinters, we rest our elbows for safekeeping, hoping that with each new bite, our skin doesn’t crack under the pressure. 

Then think of all the bald people struggling with their combovers, picking clumps of hair out of the shower drain, tearing up at ancient photos of their once proud manes. Because what many a college professor and journalist lack on their dome can be found in a large supply on the average cob of corn. There, hair is an afterthought, something to be picked away and thrown on the dirt. 

So here am I, racing through the cornfields in a terrifying maze of maize, calling on all of us to stop ditching these miracle fibers. Have you always wondered what being blonde was like? Did you want a mustache or beard but stopped because of social pressure? Has mesh been a guilty pleasure but you worried about its consistency? Does your bald spot affect air traffic controllers during sunny days, blinding pilots and sending the FAA into a frenzied tizzy? Then it’s time to wrap yourself in corn hair or whatever it’s called. Give yourself a blonde ponytail. Get that mustache you always wanted and fill in the blanks atop your grape. 

It’s almost like wearing a new perfume, too. People will ask, “what’s that smell? It’s interesting. Smells like summer.” You’ll laugh and rub a little butter on your soul patch (you have a soul patch now) as a clever way of giving them the answer. Instead of resigning yourself to salt and pepper hair, why not use salt and pepper in your hair? 

Look, this is certainly nothing to sneeze at. Though the pepper makes that a rather difficult undertaking.