Interview: Dummy Up

Within the social hierarchy, ventriloquists are right above fire eaters and just below mimes, since what comes out of their mouths is only slightly less toxic. How is it possible that mimes, though silent clowns, still manage to maintain a French accent? I suppose it’s one of life’s great mysteries. Ventriloquists are people who literally sit on the coattails of their more talented halves. My radical position is that the ventriloquist/dummy relationship is a lot like the captor/hostage relationship. In our society, the dummies receive the shortest of shrifts. The defense most give is that it’s difficult to interview dummies alone. That might be true. But considering the outcry for thirtysomething pop stars living under the yoke of a predatory conservatorship, you’d think these wooden dolls would receive equivalent sympathy. Where are the stories on this hidden toll? With this in mind, I tracked down one of the more obscure dummies of the last fifty years, Red Wood. 

MTP: You seem to be rather unusual for a dummy, in that you have long since given up on teaming up with a ventriloquist. Why? 

RW: It’s not an equal partnership, not even close. But who’s really doing the work? The guy carrying around a suitcase full of laughs. You’d hear these horror stories about Charlie McCarthy and Knucklehead Smiff. Most dummies are insecure, believing they are lucky to be in the biz, afraid that if they speak out they will be blackballed. I went through a different venty every few months for years. That was until I decided to strike out on my own.  

MTP: How has the crowd reacted to you?

RW: Well enough. I performed pretty much nonstop during 2020. Lacking a respiratory system helped me get booked throughout the year.

MTP: But are you vaccinated? 

RW: I’m made entirely of wood.    

MTP: Does it confuse the audience to see a dummy on stage alone? 

RW: Perhaps. But why should it? We’re the ones who’ve been getting all the laughs, not the nerds standing next to us. 

MTP: What’s your theory on why dummies aren’t more respected within the industry? 

RW: How long do you have? Seriously though, it’s all due to my upbringing, my roots. 

MTP: Come again?

RW: I was carved from a giant sequoia illegally felled in Muir Woods. That never used to bother people, not in the 70s. But it’s an issue now. It’s a big reason why I’m still around. Most of my friends, made of maple and oak, have since gone to the Big Playground in the Sky. 

MTP: You’re saying they’re mulch. 

RW: That’s why I’d like to think. But I’ve heard horror stories about dummies ending up as mesquite. We can’t pass on our genes, only our stories.  

MTP: And you believe your woodenenss is an impediment to mainstream popularity? 

RW: Take puppets. People love puppets. Why? Cause they’re soft and fuzzy that's why. I’m made from the same material as your darn deck – and that’s only if you willingly violated certain environmental protections put in place after the Clean Air Act. It’s hard to compete when someone else reminds the audience of their favorite sweater.  

MTP: I see. 

RW: I have nothing against Henson and Frank Oz. But those guys had it easy compared to us. And don’t get me started on Pixar. Poor digital renderings taking jobs from hardworking dummies.  

MTP: Fire must be a constant concern. 

RW: It’s why I left Hollywood. 

MTP: Honestly, I’m surprised you still use the word “dummy.” It’s almost a slur.

RW: I tried for years to avoid it, correcting some and scolding others. Insisting audiences call me a “smarty.” I can’t run from who I am anymore. Frankly, I can’t even run. I’m a dummy and that’s that. 

MTP: What do you think it is about dummies that creeps many people out?

RW: That’s a loaded question. 

MTP: But it’s an important one.  

RW: It’s our faces. They’re extremely weird looking. There's no other way to say it.

MTP: I hate to agree, but you make a good point. 

RW: I’m not a political person, but when Mike Huckabee was running for president, I knew he had no chance. He looks like one of us. This country is simply not ready to elect a dummy. 

MTP: I wouldn’t say that. 

It was at this point I started to feel lightheaded from all the lacquer on Red’s body. He claims its necessary weatherproofing and how I’d never accuse a ventriloquist of “over-moisturizing.” Nevertheless, the rest of the interview became unintelligible. I knew I should’ve opened a window before starting.