Horse Dean Wormer

Standing at attention in a barn, on his hind legs mind you, was Horse Dean Wormer, a noted thoroughbred and well-respected college dean. There, surrounded by hay and manure, he was addressing one of his most trusted students, an unctuous billy goat named Bill, neighing and bristling at every turn. 

“What's the worst group on campus?”

“That would be hard to say, sir. They are each creative and conspiratorial in their own special ways,” said the goat. 

“Enough. I’ve read the reports, followed the disciplinary history very closely. Remember, horses have binocular vision, so there’s very little I can’t see. Really, it’s just those flies that are always landing between my eyeballs. But let me ask you, who did shots of bleach during Alumni Laundry Day? Who stole my diamond-studded horseshoes during the winter dance? And who filled the teacher’s lounge trough with rolled oats when everyone knows I, and every professor at this darn school, prefer the steel cut precision of the great John McCann? Every Halloween the trees are filled with N95 masks and every spring the stables explode.”

“You’re talking about Delta, sir. They’re a substantial variant from the rest of us.”

“I know that, dummy. This year it’s going to be different. I want them off campus. The standard six feet isn’t going to cut it.”

“What do you intend to do? They are already scheduled for vaccination.”

“Then as of this moment they are on Double Secret Vaccination.”  

“Double Secret Vaccination?”

“There’s a little-known portion of the college constitution that clothes me in immense emergency power to preserve order during times of crisis. Kind of like now. We can’t have another laundry day fiasco, now can we? Plus, I need the medicine they’re taking. I’m a horse with an upset stomach and what are they? 

“It depends who we’re talking about, sir. But I believe most of them are pigs. Porcine fellows with an above average sense of smell. 

“Then I hope they know where to find truffles, because their days here are numbered. Question: do we have any clean syringes left over from The Orientation Day Derby?”

Horse Dean Wormer now stands in his office in front of the members of Delta, a campus cult famous for their aversion to bathing and the scientific method.

“You all make me sick,” said Horse Dean Wormer.

“Why’s that, sir?”

“Because I have worms and I’m missing my medication. Do you know what someone with worms is supposed to do?

“Take them apple picking?”

“Go fishing?”

The group starts chuckling and high fiving. 

“You think this is a joke, don’t you? Well, your whole life has been a joke.”

“The good stuff better be on my desk by noon tomorrow or else."

“Or else what?”

“Or else I think I have a sudden hankering for BLTs.”