Chess Fever

 

 

As Governor, many people have accused me of using people as pawns. I can’t see how a person could make such a claim. Nearly every night I can get away from my executive duties and out of my executive limo, I’m seated in one our many dilapidated parks on broken pillars of jagged concrete playing chess against a coterie of unhinged lunatics and otherwise misunderstood geniuses. In doing so, I have never once taken a person – citizen or otherwise – onto the board. First of all, chessboards are far too small for such a display. If the board was the size of a regulation Twister mat, maybe it’d be a different story. 

But it’s not. In my timed matches with the Sunshine State’s esteemed pajama brigade, I may have landed on a solution for reducing bureaucratic excess. It’s a simple one, inspired by my fiercest critics.

The time has come to treat pawns as people, not the other way around. It’s quite brilliant when you barely think about it. Imagine the savings for the state when I start filling government positions with pawns. Unlike most people, they won’t need ergonomic desk chairs or a daily lunch stipend. I may pay them, but I certainly don’t have to (I checked with my attorney first). These unappreciated players on every chessboard deserve to work as public servants, or, better yet, my servants. 

I realize that not every pawn is the same. Some are wood, others are marble, but unless they originate from a novelty size chess set, they are small. 1000 pawns could do the job of a single tax clerk and I wouldn’t even have to find them a bigger office.  

 

People tend to question the slightest things. Pawns, on the other hand, epitomize the “happy to be there” crowd. They don’t get in the way, elated to finally be off the board. Although, walking with them on the sidewalk can be a clinic in undiagnosed OCD. The hope is that over time, they shed their rigid conception of movement. Despite their European roots, if pawns can assimilate, it would be a win for immigration advocates everywhere. 

 

Pawns are stoic by nature. They don’t demand the pomp of Queens and Kings. You’d think more people would understand their appeal given their mandated function as the maiden piece. Like God, they are, what Thomas Aquinas called, “first movers.” It’s another thing we share. God asked me to run for Governor, not a collection of lobbyists frothing from the quid pro quo or the rabid animal caught in my conference room.

 

So what if I use pawns as people? They have similar shapes. This isn’t like I’m filling my cabinet with bingo cards or dice. Then again, that’s not such a bad idea. I'm hearing from my powerful fish monger constituency, a huge, briny portion of my base, that using people as prawns might solve "some" of our sustainability issues. To be continued.