Layoff, layon

 

With so many companies going through layoffs, we decided to do something a little different at ours. It didn’t take long to figure out either. We’re proud to announce that for the fourth quarter this year, we will, for the first time ever, have a series of layons. And before you ask, yes, it rhymes with “crayon.”

We all know what a layoff is, don’t we? We should. It’s when someone you’ve never met takes you into a small room you’ve never entered and says your position is no longer needed. You’re a redudancy. To which you should always reply, “redundancy?” Then you get a cardboard box or a milk crate to stuff your belongings, which shouldn’t amount to much since the office went open years before.

Layons are slightly different. It’s when your boss just “lays it on you.” It could be about something disturing their home life or a rare food allergy they’ve developed since Cannes, but layons are all about listening. A few clients suggested we do it in more straightforward way and have an immediate superior lay on top of you in a non-sexual manner for a mutually agreed upon amount of time. But it felt too literal and too fraught considering the shape and size of our office, not to mention the shape and size of our employees. Plus, we would have to run it by HR, which is usually the test of any great idea.  

Layons are forums to let others put their insecurities and stresses at your feet. All you have to do is listen and nod, nod and listen. Layoffs cause trouble, whereas layons are all about trouble. We are in a culture that gives underlings free rein to complain, but what about the higher ups? It’s hard to find someone to listen to you about the pain of owning a boat or knowing which elite prep school to send your dumbest child. These session will last approximatley three to four hours. Your actual work will need to completed on your own time. This is too important for morale and we can’t ask your boss to schlep all the way out to your tiny apartment on nights or weekends. So this has to be done in the office.

They pay you, so the least you could do is listen while they regale you with a litany of psychological issues. It's either that or another round of layoffs. Up to you.