The Hyper Bowl

 

It’s 10:46 AM, eastern standard time, but let’s just say it’s noon. We’re LIVE doing a pre-recorded telecast at an undisclosed location for the first annual Hyper Bowl. This never-before-seen storied tradition kept me up last night. Could have been the anticipation or the brood of howler monkeys renovating a nearby tree. 

This isn’t your father’s sporting event. Nor is it your grandfather’s. I don’t know much about great-grandfathers in general, but I’ll assume this is not for them either, wherever they may be. The Hyper Bowl is for you, hosted by an award-winning broadcaster of great esteem, within a true media sanctuary. 

Let’s go through the ground rules, shall we? The game on the field is a combination of the very best aspects of every sport. We have bats, we have balls, we ice skates and oversized foam fingers. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and that’s just when you see the price of our nacho platter. But boy are they worth it. Cortes himself brough the recipe back to Spain upon his first trip to North America. That’s according to the fine print of the can, a smidge below the nutritional facts. 

It’s almost game time. I hope you’re sitting down. Fans are known to 

keel over when the competition gets too intense. Play on the field is

without precedent, it’s truly unprecedented. I can’t promise the same

thing this time next year. This type of athletic genius is sure to bring a

tear to your eye. Although that could be a result of the preemptive 

pepper spraying of the crowd, in the hopes of tempering any on-field 

antics. Still, it might take a breath away, too. But that might be from 

the high altitude of the stadium (near Heaven) as well as the segment 

producer’s affinity for smoke machines. 

 

Some people refer to sporting events as a life and death struggle.

That’s what this is, since we deprive the participants of food and 

water for 48 hours prior to kickoff. 

 

Watching The Hyper Bowl will most certainly change your life. How

could it not? You are now an accessory to a crime and will be

subpoenaed at the conclusion of the game. Most events warn you 

about flying projectiles, not here. Everyone who attends takes a blood

oath to enter or uses a simple QR code found on our exclusive 

HyperBowl™ app. 

 

You will have a hard time reentering society once the game is over. 

Your family won’t look the same, and that’s not even counting the 

face paint, now mandated by most municipal governments. 

This is the best of your life, right here. What’s great is that to cater to

the new generation, the game is only 60 seconds long. Which, 

scientifically speaking, isplenty of time to form an addiction.