Ruptured ACLU

 

 

Here at the ACLU, we do more than safeguard civil liberties. Over the years, our mission hasn’t just crept forward, it’s leaned and lurched, too. We believe in expanding definitions. Take the word “bemuse.” We know it means to puzzle, baffle, or perplex. But since lots of people think is a synonym for, “amuse,” we use it that way, too. And since it also rhymes with “chartreuse,” when pronounced in a certain way, we say it when we to order that green liqueur made by those wild Carthusian monks at the end of a long meal. Honestly, it should already mean “to misuse.”

 

So you should understand our goals are constantly shifting beneath our feat, like tempermental tectonic plates in a quake-ridden area. Speaking of geology, one of our newfound commitments is to glacial justice. This goes beyond the untamed ice floes of the poles and affects the bobbing cubes in your glass. Glacial justice means never ordering a drink with crushed ice. It means not eating ice cream if the temperature is above 32 F. 

 

Then there’s facial justice. It could mean finding ways around the repressive facial-recognition technology. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It’s just as much about making sure ugly people get modeling jobs, too. That’s even if they involve artsy layouts and out-of-focus photographs surrounded by a sea of people with things over their hands. Facial justice means suing God for the existence of acne. It means never smiling at someone you don’t want to talk to for the next three hours. It means apologizing to thoroughbreds for using the term “horse face” in the past. It can me a lot of things to a lot of people, but not to us. It absolutely means the most to us.  

 

Spatial justice took enough during the pandemic. No one should ever be too close to you. Whether that’s on a plane, in line for the ATM, or waiting for a hot meat platter at a truck stop buffet. You deserve your space. It’s a human right and you don’t have to be an astronaut to earn it. 

Liberty is for libertines. We need to renovate our offices and are hoping for a certain degree of palatial justice. We'll see if there's room in our updated mission statement. There usually is.