Chore Thing

 

Dear Guest,

We hope you had a splendid final day (at The Cottage, not on earth). It was our immense pleasure and privilege to have you. Not to mention a significant financial gain. We like to think of this place as a two-way street, even though we’re nestled at the bottom of a long dead-end. Or, what the French might call a “cul-de-sac.” We’re eco-conscious, obviously. And staying with us is like joining a new religion, especially since we are a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organization. To whom much is given, much is expected (beyond the cleaning fee). However, our actual mantra is rather simple: We get back what you put in. So before you shove off, here’s a short list of things we’d very much appreciate you taking care of. It would make our lives a whole lot easier.

Strip the sheets. 

Load the dishwasher.

Bless this house.

Water the plants.

Mow the lawn.

Bake a cake (anything but flourless chocolate).

Wax the floors.

Clean the rugs.

Paint the exterior a pastel of your choosing.

Repair the garage door.

Defrost the freezer.

Pay the protection money to the local mafioso. There’s petty cash inside a vase near the master bedroom. Use your discretion regarding the amount. 

Bail our son Balthazar out of jail.

Pick up our other son Matthias from grade school. He should be easy to find. He looks around forty and drives a BMW.

Wash the cars, and not just the BMWs. 

Help our other son Nebuchadnezzar write his best man speech. He’ll find you, not the other way around.

Change the filters on the AC units. 

Look under the sofa for my gold pocket watch. I believe that’s the last place I saw it. Hefty reward should you locate it. Might even offset the bail money. 

Smell the milk. This means a deep whiff, not some quick sniff. The date is fine, but you can never be too sure when it comes to dairy.  

Pay our property taxes. Still want to be a homeowner? 

While we’re at it, how about taking care of the mortgage, too?

Go next door and see if they could use any help around the house. The owners are darlings and were always there for us when we needed them. It’s the least you could do.

Fill the bird feeder.

Trim the hedges.

Read a selection from our vast library. Might I suggest anything by Mark Twain. We have his collected works. 

Treat our Roomba like a member of the family. We'd hate to find out you ignored them the whole stay, writing them off as just another robot vacuum.

Despite the presence of a Roomba, we expect you to do most of the vacuuming. 

Check the chlorine level in the pool. Swim a few laps, if you like. Anything but elementary backstroke. 

Buy bacon (we're out). No nitrites, please. 

Scrub the toilets.

Windex the security cameras. We can’t have those fogged up or dirty by the time the next guests arrive. Speaking of which, would you mind sticking around for a few extra hours to greet them? They might need help finding the place, something I know you can relate to. Maybe fix them a drink. The liquor cabinet isn’t locked. You know how to make a martini, right? 

Take home an autographed copy of my book on hosting, You Know How to Make a Martini, Right? Foreword by Nick Nolte. There should be a stack in the garage. 

I could really use a massage. 

Hope none of this isn’t too much to ask. The Cottage isn't just an AirBnb, it's a cult, too. And thanks to performing these series, you can consider yourself a member in good standing. Congratulations and see you soon.